Ruby

Sun, 23 Apr 2006 05:48:13 GMT

found this on a scrap tucked away.not sure of source.
The ending I want to argue with,and should think about why,
but for now most of it resonates...

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental,
To reach out for another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing the self,
To place ideas and dreams before the crowd is to risk loss,
To love is to risk rejection,
To live is to risk dying,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try at all is to risk failure,
But risk we must,
Because the greatest hazard of all is to risk nothing,
For those who risk nothing,do nothing,have nothing,are nothing.
~Group Member

annihilated

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 03:51:25 GMT

'I was young, I had deep loves,and my heart would overflow with enthusiasm! And I mingled with the crowd, I mixed with my fellow men, speaking my thoughts out loud ! And they gaped back at me, without understanding. And I withdrew from them, and they said to me: Arrogant one ! And from time to time in my solitude, my loves, my repressed enthusiasms broke out into odes, conversation; and my companions laughed and used to point me out as a madman. So I suffered, doubted, cursed, and no one believed me sincere. It's as if this heart, once so full of strength and love were annihilated. ~Isidore Ducasse.also known as the Comte de Lautreamont. written when he was 20 years old. Dead a few years later. ____________________________________________________________ I am smoking too much and reading sad shit like the above and Nietzsche's Birth of Tragedy,etc....prob not the best way to get through the so called 5 stages of grief. Sleeping instead of eating,etc. and returned to Milk of Magnesia abuse.(No roommates is not always a good thing,you get away w/too much) Body feels lighter. Heart still heavy. Loss of Love...is just that. When should one exactly be 'over it'? Family,friends,lovers,pets...different shape/form...there seems to be an acceptable timetable of recovery from each.... I have become unacceptable. Bah.need to throw up now. but eating first is an insurmountable task these daze.

soma

Fri, 10 Mar 2006 08:40:06 GMT

been sick and sleeping.in betw tug-of-war w/takeout menu's.
haven't spoken with anyone in days.
feel like I need a shot..something..anything to wake up.
coffee fucks head/nerves.never worth it.
caffeine=no concentration and then horrible obsessive thoughts=insomnia,self injury,etc.
Diet pills do the same w/the additional hell of hair falling out.
Maybe need to try Green Tea Extract w/o diet pill concoction?
I could sleep until the world ends.My world will end if I keep sleeping.

fuct

Fri, 17 Feb 2006 09:59:57 GMT

not sure why updating this.things are still hell.
Time eases...NOTHING.
need to redo journal-thanx Starvin2live89 SPAMCUNT
for ruining my Friend list before it had a chance.

before I try again gotta figure out if i can do this anyway.
not sure i belong on LJ.or in the groups.might be too paranoid for it.
and crap comp/no scanner doesn't enable much in the way of contributing.

whatever.even if I did this journal just for myself
the hardest is just getting the words out.especially now.
september.seems like yesterday.god mugged me.I read that somewhere
and it fits.no wonder people stop believing in a benevolent god.
theology for another day.the fact remains my ED atrophied heart has been
ripped straight out of its cage.pain anger rage sorrow despair horror hell and nothing.
not sure how still breathing.maybe because i was barely breathing before.
afraid i'll never be myself again.just numb or a ball of pain.
can't remember last time i heard myself laugh.solace of books is gone.
no concentration.same page over & over.lines blur.brain gone to shit.
found a great math thesis online by accident tonight and there was no blood racing thrill.
philosophy,the same.so i have nothing.am nothing but the insatiable hollow.
been restricting w/o trying.some relief last night w/cathartic emptying purge.
have missed entire body warmth/burn afterwards.ana is a cold bitch.
and tiny fine hair all over is unbearably gross.but of course now i ache and
jaw/cheeks swollen,sore.forgot how exhausting pouring guts into a bag is.
Not seeing the point in going on and just tired from the fight just to live.
and of course i have to be jobhunting right now.so out of it even considering
'recovery'if only for the happy pills.afaid of pills and no insurance.so WTF ?!?!?!
dont want to try anymore.don't see a way out.want to sleep forever.

with all the chainsmoking that could be soon enough.

such a cheery post.
yes this was fun.ugh.

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 04:21:03 GMT

dead.dont care about anything anymore.losing wt like mad and even that doesn't matter.fuck it all

Thu, 21 Jul 2005 00:25:34 GMT

someone said hi to my intro.that felt good.

its too hot to write and there's gremlins playing cricket with my insides.fuuuuuck

yikes !

Fri, 15 Jul 2005 08:30:58 GMT

OMG finally posted an intro to a group.
possibly even did it correctly.LOL.we'll see.

...relieved & freaked out all at once.

Fri, 15 Jul 2005 05:43:36 GMT

that "starvin2live 89" still exists ?!
GRRRRRHHHHHH.
-why do people do shit like that?listing everyone and their dog.and how can I get them off my page?!?!?gotta look that up...

ok calmmmmm.hahahaha...where did I put the KavaKava,Melatonin,Valerian......

highs lows

Fri, 15 Jul 2005 05:27:36 GMT

yey!-Demonia kera-08 platform Mary Janes..wOOt!
I like feeling 10 ft tall.

yey!-won My Chemical Romance poster !!!!!!!
UnDead fest is the best site eveeeeeerrrr.

yey!-Michael Pitt(Dreamers & Murder By Numbers)on cover of Voice!!!

so thats some good stuff.disconnected from everything else right now.
need headaches to go away.got fluids for dehydration,guess it takes time.
the nits bruised my arm as usual.

totally fuct up summer wt goals.

must work on new notebook of tips.start food/exercise journal again.finish Marx book.re-touch hair color.finish Maldoror and Sartre.join photobucket & gather thinspiration pics for scanning.

Hell

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 08:15:59 GMT

um,its summer in NYC. 'nuff said.

saw Ana/ED groups on fucking Entertainment Tonight.
recognized stuff and freaked.
haven't been writing lately,sooo hot.

the thought of them trying to shut sites down...

ok maybe some are fuct up but jeez leave us alone
because when we are alone...bad stuff happens.
worse stuff.
so fuck off nazi food police allready

wtf

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 00:44:07 GMT

IT IS PROPER NETIQUETTE TO *INVITE* PEOPLE TO YOUR FRIENDS LIST.

in other news ..its Summer.

=hot,cranky,sick.

crashing

Sat, 21 May 2005 06:13:26 GMT

Tazo Tea 'Calm' rockxxx

sleeep

Sat, 21 May 2005 06:07:01 GMT

insomniak. too many green t pills. but fuck it.

cloves: 3 ?
caffeine: 1/2 cup coffee w/ stevia sweetener
pills: 3 mega greent T,4 Green Tea FatBurner gel caps
food: 1 cup watermelon,1 orange,1 banana
lax: 2 tbsp Dulcolax
water water water

suffocation

Sat, 21 May 2005 05:08:56 GMT

my fucking bra is too tight.thats how u know its allll gotta go.

i wish bread would disappear from the planet.
yes, allergic to gluten so i crave it.
like some girls do chocolate.yeah,that bad.
its difficult to get rid of.by any means.
so I hate it.fuck.fuck.fuck

started greenT pills,relora herb,but halfassed.
just to lessen barfing...i know i won't go hardcore til jun 1.

then its ON

need red bracelot for inspiration.

blue will always be with me tho.
i will intertwine them as they have me.

afterglow

Wed, 18 May 2005 04:44:28 GMT

warm calm from fingers to toes.i guess this is why i do it...this feeling after.

threw up into this bag earlier.it was so heavy when i went to toss it.wow.
that weight was in my stomach.relieved to get rid of it.

last hardcore barfing daze before loathsome hot summer(ana trigger)
its allready starting...can't really enjoy binge,just doing it for release now.
got herbs to jumpstart...relora,hoodia gordini,green tea pills,crystal light,etc.
just need a new notebook

on a sidenote: diet snapple peach ice tea is the sweet elixir of satan.
artificial sweetener be damned,that shit is goooood.

suckcess

Tue, 10 May 2005 05:59:29 GMT

never got around to group intro fix.had some bad days.
things are fuct up.too much to list.constant panic.need sleep.
Summers coming.started May w/head in the toilet.tonight when I was trying to get it all I wished my heart would just come up and I could flush it with all the rest.in the shower after I felt better but not enuf..heart and stomach messed up...need them to both be empty.
AT THE SAME TIME.is that too much to ask?

anyway,always the optimist..tomw I will buy crystal light and try to get steady that way.too into diet coke w/lime.diet dr pepper=caffeine trigger.
if I can just start the day differently.Coffee,clove=recipe for disaster.
..and once I decide the day is lost its ALL over.

everyday counts but now its mid May.no special dates.June 1st is toooo far away.what to do.

what fresh hell

Tue, 03 May 2005 06:54:05 GMT

finally get nerve up to intro to a group-and do it wrong!LOL.
forgot 'friends only' posting instructs. way ta go!

clove now.try again later.

blah

Tue, 03 May 2005 04:45:57 GMT

barfed guts out.

May Day resolutions down the toilet.

ahem

Fri, 29 Apr 2005 07:53:17 GMT

yup.still can't sleep.this is bad.
can my brain/bod ever be in sync?
tried reading Dostoyevsky to the cat. didn't work for either of us. she looked perturbed and slinked away. I think she called me a loser too, under her kitty breath.

made a new ana/mia notebook('OMG,its Summer' ana recipes) with a sticker by The Used as the cover ...its a heart in a noose.
fucking brilliant.

"tomw is a new day" I always wanna smack people who say that but i guess its hopeful.or something.i donn't know.cause i'm friggin delirious.

fuck sleep anyway.i want a clove

I hope everyone is doing okay in ana/mia/si land tonight.

'now i'm feeling zombified'

Fri, 29 Apr 2005 06:31:36 GMT

hell week.
too fucking busy/tired to barf.

....mmmmmmm

Fri, 22 Apr 2005 22:48:43 GMT

on a side note....Gerard from My Chemical Romance is a sexy mf.
I want to brush his hair and read him to sleep.
He reminds me I like boys.sometimes...."boys who like boys who like girls who like...."la la la

cool they got Green Day tour,a dream of theirs...but too fucked up that we'll never see them in a small venue again.

ok. happy thoughts,happy thoughts

full moon,dirty hearts

Fri, 22 Apr 2005 22:10:26 GMT

yeah thats an old INXS album title.
Cancer moon has me bouncin' off the frickin walls lately.everyone in nyc it seems.saw bike msgr beat up a cabbie.usually when they get sideswiped they just yell,maybe kick the cab.

OMG.insomniakkkkkkkk.and just restless.got out fav tool of destruction last night.red handle Tweezerman.worth every penny.fuck fuck.couldn't get much relief tho.
not just rage & angsty but caught myself about to cry over a car commercial,some stupid shit like that.HAHAHA.
finally calmed down by reading short story 'For Esme-with Love and Squalor'. beautiful & broken.

kept some food down of a heinous nature...didn't have $ for selzer after and water woulda been riskin' death.
watched extreme makeover and noted wt training tips.organized thinspiration pics for future scanning.

cutter portrayed in film: Secretary starring Maggie Gyllenhall & James Spader.
it will trip yr shit.

stuff

Tue, 19 Apr 2005 16:57:10 GMT

i know i need to post stats and pics..I'll get there.just still spooked even doing this.

when I get scanner I can at least add thinspiration pics...I must have thousands.
then I'll feel like I'm contributing...

how many carrots before yr skin turns orange? maybe pears tonight.....

spring

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 16:25:02 GMT

its springtime.makes me want to hide.ech.more snow plz!
last night was bad.after all this time still never sure its gonna happen until it is.
'bulimia nervosa'.if its a nervous condition why can't I tell I'm nervous,anxious,etc.until its too late and its all pouring out of me? wtf.spring is ana daze.time to go raw.the detox from food suxks holy ass.but gotta do it.heart makes funny popping sensation lately.can't find any active groups for tall ana/mia.where are we all?I can't relate to that pixiedust doll sized mary kate.hello.will keep looking.

holy crap

Sun, 17 Apr 2005 22:39:52 GMT

first nitty gritty ED journal.less paper to burn.
mmmm. nothing much to say yet.
wishing diet coke w/lime was caffeine free.
and Xenedrine didn't trigger OCD and make my friggin hair fall out.
cause i really want some about now.
ooh can i git some chz wit dat whine?lol.

Experts say "the common thread betw ana/mia is a sense of hopelessness...
believing they will never be well..."blah blah

i know what that means now.but still wanna fight it.defeatist bs.
common thread,not destiny.who is "well" anyway.
this journal is giving me hopeful tingles.so there.

more likely ketosis.lol.ok no more d.coke today!

dinner:
cuc's,carrots,Yogi Fasting tea,& new Nietzsche book(I am not a man,I am dynamite!)