Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Ruby's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, April 23rd, 2006
1:51 am	found this on a scrap tucked away.not sure of source. The ending I want to argue with,and should think about why, but for now most of it resonates... To laugh is to risk appearing the fool, To weep is to risk appearing sentimental, To reach out for another is to risk involvement, To expose feelings is to risk exposing the self, To place ideas and dreams before the crowd is to risk loss, To love is to risk rejection, To live is to risk dying, To hope is to risk despair, To try at all is to risk failure, But risk we must, Because the greatest hazard of all is to risk nothing, For those who risk nothing,do nothing,have nothing,are nothing. ~Group Member Current Mood: restless Current Music: movie:CrazyBeautiful (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 15th, 2006
11:15 pm	annihilated 'I was young, I had deep loves,and my heart would overflow with enthusiasm! And I mingled with the crowd, I mixed with my fellow men, speaking my thoughts out loud ! And they gaped back at me, without understanding. And I withdrew from them, and they said to me: Arrogant one ! And from time to time in my solitude, my loves, my repressed enthusiasms broke out into odes, conversation; and my companions laughed and used to point me out as a madman. So I suffered, doubted, cursed, and no one believed me sincere. It's as if this heart, once so full of strength and love were annihilated. ~Isidore Ducasse.also known as the Comte de Lautreamont. written when he was 20 years old. Dead a few years later. ____________________________________________________________ I am smoking too much and reading sad shit like the above and Nietzsche's Birth of Tragedy,etc....prob not the best way to get through the so called 5 stages of grief. Sleeping instead of eating,etc. and returned to Milk of Magnesia abuse.(No roommates is not always a good thing,you get away w/too much) Body feels lighter. Heart still heavy. Loss of Love...is just that. When should one exactly be 'over it'? Family,friends,lovers,pets...different shape/form...there seems to be an acceptable timetable of recovery from each.... I have become unacceptable. Bah.need to throw up now. but eating first is an insurmountable task these daze. Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: Live.Throwing Copper (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, March 10th, 2006
3:30 am	soma been sick and sleeping.in betw tug-of-war w/takeout menu's. haven't spoken with anyone in days. feel like I need a shot..something..anything to wake up. coffee fucks head/nerves.never worth it. caffeine=no concentration and then horrible obsessive thoughts=insomnia,self injury,etc. Diet pills do the same w/the additional hell of hair falling out. Maybe need to try Green Tea Extract w/o diet pill concoction? I could sleep until the world ends.My world will end if I keep sleeping. Current Mood: listless Current Music: mesh (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 17th, 2006
5:03 am	fuct not sure why updating this.things are still hell. Time eases...NOTHING. need to redo journal-thanx Starvin2live89 SPAMCUNT for ruining my Friend list before it had a chance. before I try again gotta figure out if i can do this anyway. not sure i belong on LJ.or in the groups.might be too paranoid for it. and crap comp/no scanner doesn't enable much in the way of contributing. whatever.even if I did this journal just for myself the hardest is just getting the words out.especially now. september.seems like yesterday.god mugged me.I read that somewhere and it fits.no wonder people stop believing in a benevolent god. theology for another day.the fact remains my ED atrophied heart has been ripped straight out of its cage.pain anger rage sorrow despair horror hell and nothing. not sure how still breathing.maybe because i was barely breathing before. afraid i'll never be myself again.just numb or a ball of pain. can't remember last time i heard myself laugh.solace of books is gone. no concentration.same page over & over.lines blur.brain gone to shit. found a great math thesis online by accident tonight and there was no blood racing thrill. philosophy,the same.so i have nothing.am nothing but the insatiable hollow. been restricting w/o trying.some relief last night w/cathartic emptying purge. have missed entire body warmth/burn afterwards.ana is a cold bitch. and tiny fine hair all over is unbearably gross.but of course now i ache and jaw/cheeks swollen,sore.forgot how exhausting pouring guts into a bag is. Not seeing the point in going on and just tired from the fight just to live. and of course i have to be jobhunting right now.so out of it even considering 'recovery'if only for the happy pills.afaid of pills and no insurance.so WTF ?!?!?! dont want to try anymore.don't see a way out.want to sleep forever. with all the chainsmoking that could be soon enough. such a cheery post. yes this was fun.ugh. Current Mood: scared Current Music: neuroticfish.gelb (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 13th, 2005
11:15 pm	dead.dont care about anything anymore.losing wt like mad and even that doesn't matter.fuck it all Current Mood: numb (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
8:15 am	someone said hi to my intro.that felt good. its too hot to write and there's gremlins playing cricket with my insides.fuuuuuck Current Mood: distressed Current Music: NIN (Comment on this)
Friday, July 15th, 2005
4:30 am	yikes ! OMG finally posted an intro to a group. possibly even did it correctly.LOL.we'll see. ...relieved & freaked out all at once. Current Mood: scared Current Music: industrial mixxxxx (Comment on this)
1:46 am	that "starvin2live 89" still exists ?! GRRRRRHHHHHH. -why do people do shit like that?listing everyone and their dog.and how can I get them off my page?!?!?gotta look that up... ok calmmmmm.hahahaha...where did I put the KavaKava,Melatonin,Valerian...... Current Mood: irritated Current Music: Manson.Smells Like Children (Comment on this)
1:00 am	highs lows yey!-Demonia kera-08 platform Mary Janes..wOOt! I like feeling 10 ft tall. yey!-won My Chemical Romance poster !!!!!!! UnDead fest is the best site eveeeeeerrrr. yey!-Michael Pitt(Dreamers & Murder By Numbers)on cover of Voice!!! so thats some good stuff.disconnected from everything else right now. need headaches to go away.got fluids for dehydration,guess it takes time. the nits bruised my arm as usual. totally fuct up summer wt goals. must work on new notebook of tips.start food/exercise journal again.finish Marx book.re-touch hair color.finish Maldoror and Sartre.join photobucket & gather thinspiration pics for scanning. Current Mood: groggy Current Music: my retarded'happy song'-Jesse McCarthy'Beautiful Soul' (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 13th, 2005
4:11 am	Hell um,its summer in NYC. 'nuff said. saw Ana/ED groups on fucking Entertainment Tonight. recognized stuff and freaked. haven't been writing lately,sooo hot. the thought of them trying to shut sites down... ok maybe some are fuct up but jeez leave us alone because when we are alone...bad stuff happens. worse stuff. so fuck off nazi food police allready Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: Franz Ferdinand (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 12th, 2005
8:40 am	wtf IT IS PROPER NETIQUETTE TO *INVITE* PEOPLE TO YOUR FRIENDS LIST. in other news ..its Summer. =hot,cranky,sick. Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: LINKIN PARK (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 21st, 2005
2:14 am	crashing Tazo Tea 'Calm' rockxxx Current Mood: groggy (Comment on this)
Friday, May 20th, 2005
10:59 pm	sleeep insomniak. too many green t pills. but fuck it. cloves: 3 ? caffeine: 1/2 cup coffee w/ stevia sweetener pills: 3 mega greent T,4 Green Tea FatBurner gel caps food: 1 cup watermelon,1 orange,1 banana lax: 2 tbsp Dulcolax water water water Current Mood: restless Current Music: laibach (Comment on this)
9:51 pm	suffocation my fucking bra is too tight.thats how u know its allll gotta go. i wish bread would disappear from the planet. yes, allergic to gluten so i crave it. like some girls do chocolate.yeah,that bad. its difficult to get rid of.by any means. so I hate it.fuck.fuck.fuck started greenT pills,relora herb,but halfassed. just to lessen barfing...i know i won't go hardcore til jun 1. then its ON need red bracelot for inspiration. blue will always be with me tho. i will intertwine them as they have me. Current Mood: determined Current Music: 3 cheers for sweet revenge (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 17th, 2005
9:16 pm	afterglow warm calm from fingers to toes.i guess this is why i do it...this feeling after. threw up into this bag earlier.it was so heavy when i went to toss it.wow. that weight was in my stomach.relieved to get rid of it. last hardcore barfing daze before loathsome hot summer(ana trigger) its allready starting...can't really enjoy binge,just doing it for release now. got herbs to jumpstart...relora,hoodia gordini,green tea pills,crystal light,etc. just need a new notebook on a sidenote: diet snapple peach ice tea is the sweet elixir of satan. artificial sweetener be damned,that shit is goooood. Current Mood: relaxed Current Music: my heart beating too fast,cat purring (Comment on this)
Monday, May 9th, 2005
10:17 pm	suckcess never got around to group intro fix.had some bad days. things are fuct up.too much to list.constant panic.need sleep. Summers coming.started May w/head in the toilet.tonight when I was trying to get it all I wished my heart would just come up and I could flush it with all the rest.in the shower after I felt better but not enuf..heart and stomach messed up...need them to both be empty. AT THE SAME TIME.is that too much to ask? anyway,always the optimist..tomw I will buy crystal light and try to get steady that way.too into diet coke w/lime.diet dr pepper=caffeine trigger. if I can just start the day differently.Coffee,clove=recipe for disaster. ..and once I decide the day is lost its ALL over. everyday counts but now its mid May.no special dates.June 1st is toooo far away.what to do. Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Yello...so soothing (Comment on this)
Monday, May 2nd, 2005
11:48 pm	what fresh hell finally get nerve up to intro to a group-and do it wrong!LOL. forgot 'friends only' posting instructs. way ta go! clove now.try again later. Current Mood: embarrassed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:39 pm	blah barfed guts out. May Day resolutions down the toilet. Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: tv noize (Comment on this)
Friday, April 29th, 2005
3:56 am	ahem yup.still can't sleep.this is bad. can my brain/bod ever be in sync? tried reading Dostoyevsky to the cat. didn't work for either of us. she looked perturbed and slinked away. I think she called me a loser too, under her kitty breath. made a new ana/mia notebook('OMG,its Summer' ana recipes) with a sticker by The Used as the cover ...its a heart in a noose. fucking brilliant. "tomw is a new day" I always wanna smack people who say that but i guess its hopeful.or something.i donn't know.cause i'm friggin delirious. fuck sleep anyway.i want a clove I hope everyone is doing okay in ana/mia/si land tonight. Current Mood: numb Current Music: hum of cpu fan (Comment on this)
3:03 am	'now i'm feeling zombified' hell week. too fucking busy/tired to barf. Current Mood: groggy Current Music: The Hunger (Comment on this)